Tag Archives: politics

What do cops, donuts, politicians and toilets have in common?

15 Oct

Hint: there are probably many correct answers.

It’s only Tuesday, and already, this happened:

Pretty amazing collection from GBD, you must admit.

Pretty amazing collection from GBD, you must admit. Potentially worth burning for?

Which is not to suggest that donuts are a bad thing, or that I fell off my non-existent diet or something. No. These donuts? Demonstrated my office’s priorities. Let me explain.

Since I work in DC, most of the city – including our building – was shut-down for Columbus Day yesterday. But because my company is in the business of finding people work, we didn’t take the day off.  (Maybe the government could take a page from our book and the economy wouldn’t be in the toilet?)

We showed up to a darkened building, And yet we turned our lights on.

All was cool, until around noon, when the fire alarm went off – at approximately 4,000,000 decibels and accompanied by an eerie robot voice telling us to “leave our belongings and exit the building.”

We all looked at each other, balancing the competing concern of, “Do I really need to put my shoes on and leave my desk right now?” with, “Well, we do work two blocks from the White House, so maybe there really is an emergency requiring evacuation?”

And yet… as we all shuffled out the door, one of my co-workers called back, “Don’t forget the donuts!”

And as if we were moving in slow motion (probably because we were), another co-worker (whose new nickname is, “Hero”), turned around and ran back for that box of delicious pastries.

Because in case you didn’t study that photo closely, two of those mofo’s were covered in bacon. And that is worth dying for.

PRIORITIES. TRUE STORY.

Also, even before that box of donuts was rescued from a false alarm, this happened:

Hint: You're not doing it right.

Hint: You’re not doing it right.

That’s right. I went to the bathroom on a day when almost no one was at work and I found a stall out of commission. Because it was covered not by one toilet liner, but by four, folded in some crazy-ass way and lining each side of the toilet as if it were a pontoon boat. Seriously. It was so messed up I walked back to the office to get my camera to take this photo.

The good news is that later in the day, we FINALLY figured out who the seat pee-er is. I have to give credit to my friend Courtney, whose SpideySense was activated when a pink ballet flat poked into her stall in a way that indicated someone was squatting rather than sitting. Courtney emerged from the stall just as her stall-neighbor finished washing her hands and darted out of the bathroom.

With instincts to rival Sherlock, Courtney investigated the recently evacuated stall… only to find pee on the seat and an unflushed toilet.

CITIZEN’S ARREST.

It hasn’t happened yet, but here’s how that gentle conversation is going to go, now the we all know the culprit works one suite over and wears pink ballet flats:

US: Have you noticed someone keeps peeing on the seat and not cleaning it up?

HER, looking uncomfortable: Yeah – so disgusting!?

US: We’ve narrowed it down and are pretty sure we know who’s doing it.

HER, looking mildly panicked: Who? How do you know?

US: We have our ways. Signs track back to your office, so could you be our ambassador and talk with all the ladies there to let them know we’re close to a breakthrough so they can stop before we have to embarrass them?

HER: Gulp.

US: That’s right.

And – my Columbus Day wouldn’t be complete without a political tie-in of some sort, so then THIS happened as I was commuting:

Look! It's Uncle Joe!

Look! Blurry, but it’s Uncle Joe!

Yep. Hustling down Connecticut Ave on my way to get a massage, I noticed a crowd of people forming outside Brooks Brothers, and a security detail that was impressive yet not full-on presidential.

I stopped to ask an on-looker who they were waiting to see emerge from the store, and just at that moment, the police cleared the sidewalk, a few Secret Service guys came out of the store looking stern and self-important, and then out came Joe Biden, huge grin and no shopping bag.

He waved and smiled and – instead of making a beeline for his car (as I would do if my shopping spree had proven unsuccessful) he took a minute to shake hands and chat with the onlookers.

Whew. It was quite the day: Donuts, police… Toilets, politicians… Who would imagine seeing all these disparate things in just one day? It’s almost like they go together.

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Yes, there are binders full of women. Most men don’t brag about them.

17 Oct

Hell yes, Mitt Romney supports women. If you doubt him, just ask to see his binder. It’s FULL of women. Women who not only are qualified to fill key jobs, but ALSO get to leave work a bit early so they can go home and cook dinner. If that doesn’t scream equality, I don’t know what does.

I mean, we want women integrated into the workforce, but it’s important that we don’t take them out of the kitchen – because that’s their first responsibility.  Kitchens without women would lead to a nutritional crisis more damaging than single parents and semi-automatic assault rifles combined.

Also – and here’s where Mitten’s corporate genius kicks in – if a woman needs to leave early to make dinner, then we can justify paying her a portion of men’s wages. Because she’s not working as much. Simply math, dummies.

So now that we know Mitt is totally pro-woman, I can’t wait for him to shatter the myth that he’s part of the Old White Boys’ Network. I mean, surely he has a black friend he can’t wait to tell us about.

Election Rant #1: Undecided Voters

28 Sep

We’re almost a month away from the election. I will be THRILLED when I don’t turn on the news to hear Romney and Obama mentioned in the same sentence. And the one benefit to living in DC is that no one really courts my vote, so I can’t even imagine what the poor, undecided people of Ohio must be feeling.

That said, I’m not really sure I understand the plight of the undecided voter. Here’s how I see it…

First, there are single issue voters: Pro-Life, Anti-Taxation, Anti-Gay Marriage, Anti-Gun Control, Pro-Border Control folks. They’re decided. If one of those issues is near and dear to them, there’s no way they’re voting Obama. I get that.

Then, there are the people who follow the party line, regardless of the candidate. Dyed-in-the-Wool Republicans and Democrats who would vote for Charlie Sheen if he received the nomination. (How interesting would THAT be?)

Next, let’s assume that the other people are somewhat open-minded and independent… Oh wait, those are Liberals. We know who they’re most likely voting for.

And then you have the people who hate taxes, who believe companies and private institutions are the solution rather than government. I agree that there’s probably a more efficient way to run things, but the last time I checked, companies were more interested in cultivating their own profit than looking out for the greater interest of society. In any case, safe to assume these people will choose Romney.

So who does that leave? Amnesiacs who can’t tell you what year it is? Recently widowed women who have always taken direction from their husbands? NASA scientists living on the Space Station who haven’t seen the news in nine months?

If the election is close and it comes down to Undecided Voters, frankly, I don’t WANT them deciding our fate. That’s like convincing a college class to collectively accept whatever grade Quintin the Quarterback receives after prepping for a test with an 11th hour cram session, during which he was probably just trying to get in his tutor’s pants.

When this is how we make decisions, it’s no wonder the rest of the world thinks we’re idiots.

I think SNL got it right. Check out this sketch if you haven’t already seen it: Undecided Voter

Christine O’Donnell: Bless Your Heart

19 Oct

I’m speechless. Or rather: I have TOO many thoughts, all competing to come out at once. So I’ll let Christine O’Donnell speak for herself. Please watch until the 3 minute mark.

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