I’m now multi-lingual. When it comes to Christmas.

LOSER.

I’m here to tell you that any song, no matter how great, can be ruined by the “repeat” function on your iPod. So now, imagine what that function can do to a song that’s not great. In fact, imagine what it can do to the entire Glee album. THE HORROR.

[I’m embarrassed to admit that I own more than one Glee album, so I need you to be loving, kind and gentle with me during this post. No judgements, and no derisive remarks suggesting I add “Fame” to my Christmas WishList. I’m trusting you here.]

Even worse than a language I don't speak: squeaks.

Anyway. Last weekend I got in the Christmas spirit. After making some holiday-ish desserts (by which I mean a tub of frozen brandy slush), I selected “holiday” as the genre on my iPod and kicked back with a stack of cards to write. The music started great with Peanuts Christmas by Vince Guaraldi. Then it transitioned to some indie holiday tunes (This Warm December) by mixed artists, and I was still smiling.

And then… it cycled into an album titled something like “Christmas Around the World.” For some reason, these songs were 20% louder than everything else on the playlist. And in languages I couldn’t understand. And featuring slightly obnoxious guitar lines. And maracas.

The first time they came on, I scratched my head thinking, “This is awful. I can guess the words because I know the tune, but really? El Niño de Tambor? Sounds more like a tropical storm than a little drummer boy.”

Then, the second* time I heard the playlist, I thought, “Wow. This is just obnoxious. Each country should be forced to come up with their own unique melody to add lyrics to, instead of repurposing the classics in other languages.” Then I remembered “Oh Tannenbaum” and felt guilty.

Next* time around: “What IS this album? Where did it come from? How do I even own it?”

And the last* time: I was singing along. As it turns out, I can now wish you Christmas in Spanish, French, Portugese and some African language I assume is Swahili. Also, if anyone need a little niño with or without a tamborine? I can totally hook you up.

* = sequence/accuracy of events might be comprised due to brandy slush consumption.

Shit that is really not helpful.

Just finished making dinner. Despite the fact that I like to cook, tonight’s meal is Ramen Noodles. That’s right – 33¢ per pack, friends. A staple of college students everywhere. And me. Because I love them. They’re a Friday Night Guilty Pleasure if ever I’ve had one.

Creamy Chicken is my favorite, but most DC stores don’t sell that, so I settle for the shy half-sister, straight-up Chicken flavor. And don’t even get me started on the noodles I remember from my childhood… there were Ramen that were 2-3 times as wide as these, and a bit firmer. They were (sigh) awesome. And are now utterly discontinued. (Double sigh.)

And as one further side note, let’s all send a mental “thank you” to my mother, who taught me that the key to awesome Ramen is to drain off the water and eat them as seasoned noodles rather than soup. For a woman whose other speciality is fried okra, that is what we call VERSATILITY.

So I’m making them (by which I mean BOILING them) with the timer set for three minutes. I know: when something only needs to cook for three minutes, I probably shouldn’t set the timer and go back into the living room to read. I should stand over the stove and wait. Or wash a dish or something while I wait. But I’m OCD so my kitchen is already spotless, and I’m uber-efficient so just standing there seems like a waste of time.

The point is, I set the timer and sat down. And then it beeped. Fair enough. Time to get the noodles. But I wanted to finish the paragraph I was on, and Ramen noodles really aren’t at risk for OVER cooking. Not like you can spoil a 33¢ meal.

But the timer just kept beeping. And beeping. It reminded me of the scene from “Three Amigos” where Steve Martin was  trying to discreetly get Martin Short and Chevy’ Chase’s attention by whistling, “Look up here!” repeatedly, as if he were a bird. (No clue what I’m referencing? Check out this video:)

Hey Mr. Engineer: Not Helpful. Let me guess, your mom was something of a nag? She wouldn’t leave you alone until whatever it was that was on her mind was addressed?

Well guess what? The rest of the world doesn’t function that way. Tell me once that my noodles are ready, then let me be a big girl. If I want to wait until the water has evaporated and they’re stuck to the bottom of the pan, then so be it. Much more preferable than listening to you chirp away harassing me.

On the fourth set of chirps, I finally responded, stomping into my kitchen ready to stab the timer button with one of my new Shun knives and leave it completely immobilized. But guess what? There, in my kitchen, stood Steve Martin, holding a plate of perfectly cooked Ramen for my dinner and glaring at me for not realizing they were waiting.

So I let it slide. Just this once.

I think I’m ready to start a new blog.

Tonight, while stewing in annoyance (the most bitter spice), I realized I need to start a blog to vent about it.

My new blog will be TOTALLY anonymous (unlike this one, which is pseudo-anonymous) and it will be called “Don’t Get Me Started.”

Oh wait. I just checked for that domain, and someone already owns it. But isn’t doing shit with it, as evidenced by the “Under Construction” landing page.

Don’t get me started. People who buy up domain names then camp on them, hoping someone somewhere will invent something requiring their name so they can profit? Totally lame.

[Side note: Out of curiosity I just googled “expensive domain names.” As of 2010, the most expensive domain in the world was Insure.com, for which cost some company I’ve never heard of $16m to buy. To the donkey dick who first called dibs on insure.com: I could say “well played” or reference the irony of your domain choice, but — don’t get me started.]

[Second side note: Any guesses on the other nine most expensive domains? Two are general business words (funds, business); two others are direct goods (diamonds, toys) and four of them – not surprising – are vices (sex, porn, beer, casino). The wildcard in the Top Ten? Israel. Anyone think a wealthy Palestinian with a sense of humor is responsible for that?]

Revised new domain idea: pissandvinegar.fml